The Toronto Maple Leafs are one of the most notoriously mismanaged teams in NHL history.
From poor trades to baffling signings and bewildering decisions, the Leafs consistently find ways to mishandle their affairs.
Once, they had a competent GM whom they nurtured and trained, only to see him take his skills and experience to another team.
But I digress.
The Leafs might be on the brink of making the worst decision in their franchise’s history, which is quite an achievement given their track record. So, with that in mind, I’ve come up with some equally bad alternatives they could consider instead, assuming they’re intent on making a poor choice.
Saving the Leafs From Themselves: Ideas Worse Than Trading Mitch Marner
The Leafs seem poised to make a blunder, and since they’re the Leafs, it’s almost expected. To avoid seeing my favorite player traded, here are some comparably bad ideas they might use instead.
One: My mom (currently upstairs making meatloaf) taught me that if you can’t laugh at yourself, you shouldn’t laugh at others. So, I’ll start with the worst idea I’ve ever had: a trade proposal that was universally mocked—and rightly so.
One silver lining was that I became 10% more paranoid the next day when my phone bombarded me with ads for Laine and Werenski jerseys. As Gene Hackman has shown, you can never be too cautious.
This idea would certainly be worse than trading Marner, so if GM Brad Treliving is out of ideas, he’s welcome to take this one.
Two: Another terrible idea that’s still better than trading Mitch Marner: Hire Drake, whose music career is over, to write diss tracks for every Leafs opponent next season. To avoid further embarrassment, he would only diss teams clearly weaker than the Leafs.
Three: Appoint Ross Atkins to run the team. While this would destroy the Leafs, it would save the Blue Jays.
Four: Sign Max Domi to the much-rumored $6 million, six-year extension.
Five: To improve Auston Matthews’ image, which has suffered due to his association with a certain Canadian pop star, the Leafs could hire lesser-known members of the Wu-Tang Clan to hang out with him all summer. U-God and Cappadonna might be available to help.
I admit, these are bad ideas. But that’s the point. The Leafs shouldn’t trade Marner because no team has ever traded a player of his caliber and come out ahead. The Leafs won’t be the first, I can assure you. But if they absolutely must make a bad move, I’ve got them covered.
If you’re undecided about whether the Leafs should keep Marner, just look at the Florida Panthers. They’re on the verge of reaching their second consecutive Stanley Cup Final, and Brad Treliving is a big reason why.
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